Whenever I need a good laugh, I read one of Doug Giles’ columns at Townhall.com. Giles is an in-your-face evangelical pastor who writes from a different point of view, one much younger than my own. While I may question his use of some culturally obnoxious references/words, I am in agreement with most of what he writes. This one had me howling out loud tonight. With all the talk of “emergent churches”, I just loved his spin….
The Detergent Church
Saturday, May 24, 2008
I was being interviewed on talk radio a couple of weeks ago when the “talent” turned the discussion to my faith and my thoughts on the state of the Church in America. I’m sitting there thinking, “You invited me on your show to talk about school violence and student stupidity, and now we’re talking about Jesus? Okay, whatever. God is one of my favorite topics, and as long as I get to plug my latest book, A Time to Clash, 757 times in the next 15 minutes, I’m good.”
So, I informed my host that my faith was stonkin’ and in my humble—yet acerbic—prophetic opinion I thought a good chunk of the American church was melting like a little Twinkie under the hot sun of assertive secularism.
In particular the church was wilting like a wuss in regard to its biblical moral maxims and its stance on essential Christian doctrines and was thus well on its way to living La Vida Apostacia. Yep, if our country goes down the crapper, a lot of the blame falls on the American church for capitulating to this crap-addled culture, as far as I’m concerned.
Next question, hermano. Jiminy Glick went on to ask me what I thought the church could practically do to heal itself and help our nation and what my thoughts were regarding the emergent church.
I told mi amigo that I didn’t know much about the “emergent church.” I’m sure there are many good guys in it, and I’m sure it has caused some damage to el Diablo; however, it looks and sounds a tad narcissistic to me. In addition, from what I’ve observed both in life and via history is that once a church movement gets a “name” it usually means it’s toast and ends up being propped up by hype instead of heaven.
I went on to edumicate my inquirer that I prefer a Detergent Church to an emergent church. Yes sir, I think what we need is a “movement” that would purge the skid mark that sin has left on man’s soul and our society rather than a group of nerdy Christians trying to be Ryan Seacrest. Yep, a Detergent Church is the type of church that flicks my switch. As far as I’m concerned, a “church” that does not alter culture in a weighty way isn’t worth its salt—no matter how “successful” it may be momentarily. And seeing that our culture is getting more bizarre by the flippin’ day I’d say that whatever the church is doing to be au courant just ain’t cutting it.
Here’s my laundry list (to become a book) regarding how the “called out ones” can be the holy hellfire Detergent Church they’re ‘spose to be. You might want to put on a cup . . .
1. Get men who dig being rowdy back in the pulpit.
2. Could we have some sound doctrine, por favor?
3. Preach scary sermons (at least every fourth one).
4. Get rid of 99.9% of “Christian” TV and sappy Christian music.
5. Quit trying to be relevant and instead become prophetic contrarians, I’m talking contra mundus, mama!
6. Put a 10-year moratorium on “God wants you rich” sermons (yeah, that’s what we need to hear nowadays, you morons, more sermons about money, money, money!).
7. Embrace apologetics and shun shallow faith.
8. Evangelize like it’s 1999.
9. Push lazy Christians to get a life or join a Satanic Church.
10. Demand that if a Christian gets involved in the arts that their “craft” must scream excellence and not excrement.
Allow me to elaborate, my little ones . . .
1. Get men who dig being rowdy back into the pulpit. When I hear one of the ubiquitous whiny, weepy ministers get on TV or radio and whimper about Jesus and life, I think it’s no wonder we’re getting our ecclesiastical clocks cleaned by secularists; our “leaders” are oh so very lame.
Look, God’s men aren’t suppose to be effeminate, spiritually neutered, prancing nice guys. Biblical ministers are to be sons of thunder who are daunting and not David Archuleta-like grinning hand-holders and cliché dolers to messed-up wienies. You can’t transform boys into men when you’re a Peter Pan pastor. Capice?
If your church is remotely serious about salvaging society then here’s a little raw 411 for you, el pastor: You’re not going to change the USA by being nice but by being bold. And to be bold boys you must have high doses of holy testosterone. Matter of fact, in Moses’ day you couldn’t be a priest if you didn’t have cojones (see Deut. 23:1-4). I say we, the Detergent Church, start kickin’ it old school again and retable that deuteronomic prerequisite for current ministers and wannabes; i.e. you don’t get to lead if you don’t have your boys intact.
From rank secularism to islamo-fascism, our country is between a rock and a hard place, and I’m sure the USA would appreciate the church’s help, hello. Obviously, I don’t believe we can help if our leaders don’t have holy huevos to stand up for God and what is sane in this psycho society.
As far as my imbalanced backside is concerned, if the “man of God” is not a dude in a Clint Eastwood sense of the word, then we really don’t need him right now to preach or lead worship—maybe later after 100 years of work, but not now—which means there’s going to be a lot of job openings in churches across the land if my advice is heeded because the church has officially become wussified.
What’s the solution to our cultural pollution? Historically it’s always been men who would be men, which means we don’t need puppets, panderers, Wallys and wusses. We need prophets, patriarchs, warriors and wild men.
To be continued . . .
(I can hardly wait! CBBYRD)