Did you ever have a moment when you felt yourself standing on a prominence with a clear view of two vastly different possibilities for your life without the slightest inclination of which one will be yours? That is the kind of day I had today.
Just this week I’d gotten some direction on the possibility of returning to school for a master’s degree in counseling, something I’ve been toying with for several months. I’d spent last night actually organizing my thoughts for that possibility- finding out about requesting undergraduate transcripts, revising my resume for an interview Tuesday with a faculty adviser at an institution that I wasn’t even aware of 72 hours ago, identifying three candidates for recommendations, considering the impact of tuition on the household finances, and checking out locations and dates for the GRE exam.
Then this morning I got a phone call from a medical doctor who, two weeks ago found a small spot on the edge of the retina of my eye. She and her partner had told me that they would watch it for six months and then decide the next step, if there was any change. But today she told me they had reviewed the photographs that had been taken in their office and they were referring me to a vitreoretinal specialist for an ocular ultrasound, a test for the differential diagnosis of ocular melanoma. It seems that it is three dimensional enough, raised, so that they are uncomfortable waiting six months. So do I have a “freckle” inside my eye or melanoma? The internet medical sites emphasize the seriousness of a possible diagnosis of ocular melanoma and the need to treat promptly, giving the range of outcomes from little to no loss of vision, to loss of an eye, to 60-80% 5- year survival rate, to 50% odds of surviving 12 months, depending on the stage at diagnosis. Reason says that life goes on “hold”, or at least takes the “yellow flag”, until the differential diagnosis is made on March 9th.
In two to three years am I likely to be beginning a new career as a newly licensed mental health counselor or might I be dead? Pretty wide swings on the possibility meter for me at the moment. But is that really any different than the uncertainty that each one of us lives with daily? Some of us just have the privilege of knowing it and some of us don’t have a clue.
So tonight I asked the Lord, “Okay, now what?” seeing as how I do have the privilege of seeing the possibilities laid out before me. And He responds with His peace and this reminder: “Trust in the Lord and do good and you can safely and securely dwell in the land. Delight in the Lord and the desires of your heart the Father will give unto you. Commit your way to Him. Trust in Him. On your behalf He will act.” (Psalm 37:3-5)
The “Great Physician” is on the case. That’s enough for me.