In classes teaching women about identity, we reference two driving needs of humans, security and significance. Robert McGee’s book, Search for Significance, is helpful as part of this effort.
Security is rooted in the need to feel loved and accepted unconditionally. It is a desire to be known fully and accepted as we are, to be cherished and protected.
Significance is rooted in having a sense of meaning and purpose, to be valued for one’s being, ability and strengths.
Over the years I’ve observed that women will often subordinate their need for significance to another in order to obtain a sense of security. They will do all they can to obtain security, pleasing and kow-towing to another’s demands or desires, particularly for significance in feeling valued and having respect, in order to assure their position and safety in a relationship. It often leads to the diminishment of a woman’s own needs for significance for the sake of others’ until they have little sense of self remaining. It may lead to dependency and submission so profound they will endure even broadscale and diverse types of abuse as long as there is a sense that they can maintain the relationship by doing pleasing or agreeing with the partner. It also may become idolatry of a person, her significant other like a partner, spouse, or children
It feeds the higher priority need for a sense of personal significance that one may observe in many men. They often obtain that through career, wealth, athletic prowess, or other non-relational pursuits. They feel less insecure and are often better equipped to secure their own basic needs economically, physically, and emotionally.
In some cases this inverse of priorities between men and women becomes the root of a lot of dissatisfaction, feeling disconnected, or resentment of her part, while experiencing excessive control and domination on his part, and a highly dysfunctional relationship because of the imbala
FEMALE. – MALE
Priority need:
SECURITY – SIGNIFICANCE
Subordinate/denied/ unrecognized need:
SIGNIFICANCE – SECURITY
The way out of the imbalance is for each person to be redirected toward each one finding his or her security and significance first and foremost in their respective relationships with Jesus. If they are practicing Christians to any degree, guiding each into that will free them up from seeking to have either or both needs met exclusively and idolatrously in one another.
The task then becomes an individual discipleship task with each person. Single gender healthy discipleship groups and individual counseling toward self- understanding and growth, emotional literacy, and maturing biblical understanding of principles involved. (11/10/25 CBB)