29 was a hard end-of decade year for me. I remember it fraught with a lot of self doubts. At 29 I also did something totally out of character, a biggie, on the level of a violation of one of the Big Ten, something that my church background said would send me to hell. I was angry, confused, and passive-aggressively acting out. Of course, I didn’t realize all of that at the time. It would be quite a few years later before I would understand the motivation of my behavior. When I “came to my senses” the next day and realized I had not immediately been struck by a wrathful bolt of God’s punishing lightning, in a moment of profound clarity I remember thinking to myself “Either there is not a God after all or I really don’t know God.” When I remember that now I think how God must have grieved my rebellion and ignorance, but that was the beginning of a journey. I wish I could say that I set out with deliberate haste to discover the truth about God. I didn’t. I spent a few more years in the grip of rebellion and anger but began to discover what was behind it. Eventually, in a sweet and personal way God got my attention and spoke to me through circumstances very clearly, “Have you had enough? Are you ready for the truth? It’s time to get real…..know me and be mine. Quit putting on the Christian act for the sake of other’s opinion of you.”
I experienced such rapid and clear answers to prayer at that point that there was no denying God’s presence and personal interest in, even deep love, for me. At times it made me uncomfortable to realize how very present He was…..always and in everything. I wasn’t sure I wanted that much God in my life on a daily basis. Eventually, I was won over by God’s faithful, patient, and merciful dealing with me. I began to follow Christ, though with halting steps, at times. After 5 years, I was developing knowledge of God and consistency in my walk and it seemed that God felt I was ready for some additional testing and pruning, which most assuredly came. But by that time, I was so much His, that I was able to be faithful, patient, and merciful in the midst of the ordeal, too.
That was the absolute end of doubting God- His presence, His love for me, His willingness to be in the midst of even the small details of daily life. It was the beginning of delighting in God’s presence and knowing that God will never leave me.