Dr. Henry Cloud writes about addiction, enabling , and conflict. He cites several biblical principles. There’s one glaring one related to not enabling I want to add.
Luke 15-19-
“….the younger son got together all he had, set off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living. 14 After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need. 15 So he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. 16 He longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, BUT NO ONE GAVE HIM ANYTHING.
(Notice what happened NEXT in the young man’s mind!)
17 “WHEN HE CAME TO HIS SENSES, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! 18 I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. 19 I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired servants.’ 20 So he got up and went to his father.
(Desperation and having no one to rescue him humbled him and reminded him that there was a place where he could repent, hope for forgiveness and seek restoration.)
Dr. Cloud:
“When modern psychiatric and psychological researchers began studying addictions, they realized that most of the time, the addict does not live in a vacuum. Instead, he/she lives in a system of relationships, some of which serve to enable their behavior; that is, someone unwittingly tries to keep the addict from the consequences and effects of his addiction. In an attempt to help, the enabler instead rescues the addict from the discomfort that would drive them to face and solve their problem.
But as the enabling person becomes aware of this and allows the addict to feel his pain, good things begin to happen. (This is part of a bigger conversation, of course.)
For thousands of years the Bible has named these realities. For example, see what God says about dealing with a rageaholic: “A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again” (Prov. 19:19). Many people have experienced the frustration of finding the problem coming back the day after the rescue.
The Bible teaches that we have a duty to warn each other, that we are part of God’s means of helping one another stay in the path of growth. It goes further than that, however. Not only should we warn each other, but if we avoid doing so, we must bear some responsibility for this as well:
“When I say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. But if you do warn the wicked man and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his evil ways, he will die for his sin; but you will have saved yourself” (Ezek. 3:18-19).
Sobering words, but profoundly clear. When you confront a person the right way, they always have a choice, and they may ignore your warning. Sad as that might be, you will still know that you have done what you could and that you have not participated in that person’s self-destruction.
Of course there are many circumstances in which someone’s self-destruction has unraveled so far, there is only so much you can do, and the help of a professional is better suited for the situation.
Please note that this message isn’t intended to project shame, especially in the most extreme of situations. (Abuse is NEVER your fault!) This is more of in the context of addressing someone’s bad habit, and breaking codependent routines, or talking to someone about a behavior that, if discussed well, could help them improve part of their lifestyle. (Someone who interrupts, someone who’s always late, someone who doesn’t take social cues well.)”