I had a dream. But it wasn’t one I dreamed last night. It was one God buried deep within me, like a treasure hidden in my soul while I was being knit together, formed in my Mother’s womb. It found its way into my consciousness in 1997, when I was 43. It was so big and so audacious and so beautiful that my heart and mind nearly failed under the weight of it. But there it was. I whispered it to a doctor in a psychiatric hospital when the weight of its growing presence inside me would have seemed to take my breath away. But before it could, God had taken me aside and spoken quietly in my ear,”If this is too hard, you don’t have to do it.” I had thought in that nearly breathless moment that God was giving me permission to die with the secret inside me. But, as I told God at the time, “No, I want to live and be able to continue my life. Even as broken as it seems now, I trust that You are with me and can make me whole again. We have a grandbaby coming soon, our first one, and I want to be a part of the life of that child.” And God smiled and seemed pleased and handed me off to the medical professionals for the next six days. When I whispered my dream to the psychiatrist that first evening, I asked him, “Am I crazy for believing this secret dream?” “No,” he said, “I believe that, too. You hold on to that.”
The years passed. I held on to the dream when everything around me mocked it, when the whole world seemed to contradict it, to deny its very possibility. It lived on in my heart and mind anyway. It found its way into my prayers….. prayers for our grandchildren, for my husband, for our children , for their families and friends, for our church. Sometimes it sounded like this:
“Dear God, bless those whom I love, those who love me, those who are loved by those 😮 I love and those who love those whom I love. Oh, Lord, bless us and love us all even when we fail to love others as they ought to be loved and especially, Lord, bless and love those who feel unloved.”
There were times I sat out under the stars late at night, looking at the moon, and wondering how such a dream could ever come to be. There were other times when I lay facedown on the floor, crying out to God, lamenting when things happened that seemed so contrary to it ever being fulfilled. One night at my church during a simulcast of a New Room call to awakening I was propelled to the floor by desire for the dream’s fulfillment, on my face, arms outstretched, weeping under the weight of these words, “I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD In the land of the living,” Psalm 27:13.
The dream persisted in spite of my tears, my questions, my doubts that it could ever come to pass.
As I’ve grown older, I know I may never see the dream in my heart come true to the extent that God etched it in my soul. But everytime I see the face of a newborn baby, when I see the joy a toddler’s laughter and developing skills or new discoveries bring his parents, when I hear birds chirping their morning songs and see the green leaves budding out on trees in the spring, when I see the look of love enchanged during wedding vows, or the humility of parents bringing their infant for baptism before the church and vowing to raise her in knowledge, understanding, obedience and service to the Lord, when another night of rest and another dawn arise I know that God still holds the same dream for all creation that He placed in my soul and that He has hidden it in other souls, too. Some, like me, have also already allowed themselves to hope it might be being made real now…..that the King of the Cosmos who came as a baby Himself to live the dream before us will see it fulfilled in the hearts of everyone someday…..That all will exalt The Name of The Living God and all will live in peace as brothers and sisters and as children of Our Father, enjoying His Presence, His Sovereignty, His Goodness, and His Personal and Intimate Spiritual Self in our midst forever. (Written this day, 7/2/22 at 5:27 a.m. CBByrd)
With faith in God through confession of Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, bearing witness to the hope in my heart, and extending His love to others through the sanctifying work of His Holy Spirit in me…. Amen
Postscript: 9:50 a.m. 7/2/22
On March 20, 1997, the Lord had spoken to me in a time of personal prayer and praise as the day dawned saying, “Tell others.” I did not know at the time what I was to tell or to whom or how. When I whispered my dream to the psychiatrist on Saturday evening, May 24,1997, I knew what I was to tell. While at the psychiatric hospital God told me to “Whisper it all.” A few weeks later as I prayed standing on my porch, holding my coffee, I asked God how I was to do this. He responded, “Just get up each day and do as I direct you. I will bring them to you.” He has done exactly that for 27 years. He was, in fact, already bringing them to me before I recognized His call and began walking in it.
Evangelism is sometimes a quiet thing, spoken in soft voices with heads bowed and bodies leaning in toward one another as secrets, dreams, and the cries of wounded souls are shared in whispers in the presence of Christ. Not all who reach out to me are brought by God, it seems, at times. At least not for how I assist them, but for how they may assist me to grow further in Christ. Some are brought by others, desperate to see a loved one helped. Others come seeking only a temporary rest from their burden, but not the transforming work of the Lord in their spirit, soul, and body. I have said to God at times, “What is my part this time?” Hospice nurse to one’s desire to die to self and the chaos of the world? Midwife to a Holy Spirit-regenerated human spirit ready to take its work in hand to transform a mind and release a soul to live in joy and peace? To comfort one grieving until her soul can enlarge enough to hold her grief and still receive the blessings you desire to give her? To just be here to listen and point them to Your Word for guidance? Or, sometimes, to discern and call out a spirit of evil oppressing one who longs for peace? You alone know, God. But what I know is that You love each person and You invite us, Your servants, into joyful obedience to serve You according to Your will, not our own. Lord, let me be faithful today to hear, see, and do Your will.
P.S. from 9/17/2021
In 1997, early on a spring morning as the sun was rising, I was praising God, singing and worshipping and I exclaimed out loud, “Surely you have created the beauty of this world for your glory and my delight!” In that moment I heard the Lord say to me out loud, “Tell others!” It was a startling moment of realizing how personal and present God is with me, but it did not frighten me. It thrilled me. It birthed a vision that God would gradually bring into more and more clarity. Today I proclaim to the world, to whatever little bit of it by which my voice may be heard: “God is with us. God is not hiding. Your eyes and ears simply need to be opened to the mystery and wonder of God. Those whose eyes and ears have been opened have been transferred to a new place….into the kingdom of God that is all around us.” Each day God provides blessings that affirm what the Lord has spoken into my heart and demonstrated in my life. I am a blessed woman, indeed!