Recovery is “a process of change through which people improve their health and wellness, live self-directed lives, and strive to reach their full potential.” (US government, as defined by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.”
In that dreamy state of half asleep I heard a boy’s voice that sounded like Bill’s. It said simply, “This isn’t recovery.” What isn’t recovery? Eating four caramel brownies with milk for supper? Dreaming all night of Bill and me doing everyday kinds of things? Remembering the last 24 hours with him in the hospital? Re-reading all of the texts with Bill that are in my phone? Having a blue day? Finding it hard at times to get beyond the verge of tears that can well up and slide down my cheeks without me even realizing they are there?
Was Bill chastising me for indulging my grief? I don’t think so. It didn’t seem so. It was more gentle and kind and knowing my heart than that. I think he was reminding me that life on earth is hard, as he and I had often agreed during times when it seemed our hearts were broken with disappointment or loss. One doesn’t “recover” from it. One moves on from it to a kinder, gentler, more peaceful existence with the Lord where our tears are wiped away by the Lord’s own hand. It’s not simply recovery that the heart desires. It’s resurrection.
Wednesday was a hard day. One would have thought that Tuesday, Bill’s birthday, would have been the hard day. But actually I spent much of Tuesday remembering Bill, thinking about good times and happy memories. Then, Wednesday was the let-down, the missing him, the pity party that there will no more memory-making with him, only grasping at the ones I’ve been privileged to hold. Sooooo, I got thru another hard day, just like I always do, remembering that I am still able to make memories with God,turning to him, asking for his peace and comfort. And how did my day end????……. eating the last four caramel brownies in a batch from 10 days ago with a glass of milk for supper without the least twinge of guilt, but enjoying every morsel. God is good. All the time. And chocolate is always a welcome consolation. Thank you,Lord, for being present with me, especially on the hard days…… This is widowhood. I wonder if Willow Tree has a figurine for this. (From 2/20/2021)