This was from six years ago…… I’ve had this almost exact conversation more than a few times.
“Last week I was talking with someone who had experienced disappointment in some people because they didn’t let her do what she wanted. They held her to a covenant agreement and she was required to accept some undesirable and chafing consequences for having violated it. In venting her anger to me she said, “This isn’t godly. It’s unfair. God doesn’t show favoritism.” This last comment was intended to show how some others had not gotten consequences for the same behavior when she had. I said to her, “I see why you are hurt, angry and disappointed. It appears you are expecting us to meet a standard that we are not prepared to meet. We are not God. We are people. We have to set boundaries and hold one another accountable. I’m sorry if it seems that someone else “got away” with something that you were not allowed to get away with. But we are talking about you and your agreement and the fact that you failed to keep it. Now you are looking to blame every one except yourself for the results.” We continued talking and she threw another slam, pointed and personal, at me. I didn’t flinch or dodge. I hit it head on and refused to let her get away with a personal attack that was totally irrelevant to the topic at hand. In a few minutes she was in tears and apologizing and said, “I can’t believe I’m still doing the same blame-game things I used to do.” When we parted she was relieved of her anger, repentant for her blaming of others, and ready to re-engage in fellowship with people who had done nothing more than expect her to do what she said she would. In other words, they held her accountable, in the same way they strive to hold one another accountable for honesty and integrity in relationship to one another. With this out of the way, she acknowledged that she wishes to continue in fellowship, to “know and be known, love and be loved, admonish and be admonished, celebrate and be celebrated, and serve and be served” in community with those whose love, support, and encouragement she has enjoyed in recent years. These are hard conversations. But the outcome is well worth the effort.”
Those who continue to benchmark their sense of fairness in life by comparing their circumstances to those of others and who continue to blame others for the consequences of their failure to accept personal responsibility for their own behavior seldom succeed in achieving sustainable life recovery. I have known too many people who have used their perception of the “unfairness” of others as an excuse for all their problems. It never goes well.