Because I planned to spend time teaching at Titus 2 this afternoon and then stay for Bible Study at LHUMC, I started my morning a little later than usual. After an early morning ZOOM meeting I watched a live-streamed worship service on my computer and it spoke so much to something on my heart. As the service moved to Holy Communion, I had to get up for a few minutes. As I walked away from the screen I was reminded of a time when I had come to a special communion, kneeling at a rail for what seemed like the 100th time in repentance, tears and brokenness. There at the altar that day I asked the Lord would communion always be this hard, this soul-wrecking. As I wept there at the altar, I felt a warm, flowing anointing move over my head, down my neck and shoulders, down my trunk and along my arms and legs. As it flowed, I heard the Lord speak in my spirit, “You have learned obedience. You need never come again this broken.” Since that communion, it’s been different. There have been moments of conviction and repentance at the table, but never again like those earlier times. Rather, there has been great joy and feeling welcomed and filled by Christ. When I got back to the sofa and laid down, the livestream was finishing. Suddenly, as I lay there tears began to flow profusely, catching me by surprise. After maybe 30 seconds or so I realized my throat was closing. I felt tears all down my throat inside and rushing down my face. My first thought was, “Am I having an anaphylactic reaction to tears??” I had not eaten or drunk anything yet to trigger such an event. My mind ran to stories of Mama Cass having choked on a sandwich in bed and a doctor who had choked on a bite of steak on his kitchen floor as his wife showered. My heart was racing. I bolted upright and began struggling for breath. It took another 20-30 seconds or so to clear my throat and restore reasonably comfortable breathing and calm back down. I had no idea why the tears had come on me so suddenly and with such force.
- The thought occurred that the devil had just tried to choke me to death! Is it even possible to choke on one’s own tears? If anyone had come to my home and found me there lifeless on the sofa, no one would ever know what happened….. I didn’t even know what had happened! That is how my day began, followed shortly thereafter by the first test of patience among many today.