Sunday’s are always the hardest days for me without Bill. I go to church. I plan things. I try new recipes. I work in flower pots. This is the day the devil works hardest to hit me with grief and sadness. Today he attacked me at a point where I am most vulnerable- threatening the very existence of Titus 2 ministry with technical business operations failings in which I have both no experience and skill and in which Bill’s absence is not only acutely felt by me but which can undo years of labor by both of us and many others on behalf of women who have few options without the stabilizing help Titus 2 offers. Now that not only makes me sad, it makes me angry. How dare satan take advantage of my grief to threaten something that involves not only me and Bill but is about many others to whom God called us! My grief belongs to me and those God has placed in my life to share in it and encourage one another through it. It is not an opportunity for satan to deny those who are struggling with far more than grief alone and who need help from Christian community to find their identity and bearings.
I have to retrain for this technology driven world and figure out how to do what’s not getting done, become a fully retired lady of leisure doing little more than the occasional lunch with friends and going to church and the grocery store and wonder if anything I had been doing will even be missed in the world. Or I just need God to go on and take me home because I am quickly being outpaced by my uselessness without Bill’s help. Being overwhelmed by the care of six animals was my first clue when Bill went in the hospital. Becoming aware of how inadequately I could manage our home’s demands alone was the next clue. Now I’m realizing I can’t do this ministry without his contribution to its technical upkeep.
No matter how the devil tries to dishearten and drag me down and leave me in a puddle of tears on a Sunday morning, I will not give in to the temptation to let depression shut me out of abundant life. I will gather myself, wash my face, ignore what I feel and do what I know ….. I will grab my Bible, join the communion of the saints, smile at people for whom I care and seek out others who need the same things I do. I don’t have to know how, feel like it, or have someone tell me I should…. I simply will. I will be faithful and I will be blessed! By the grace of God and in his strength. THAT I know is guaranteed whether I face grey skies or blue, sunshine or rain.