I receive messages and calls regularly from people who have not found the comfort and guidance they were seeking through traditional counseling or from church leaders (or at a price for counseling they could afford to sustain!) When I hear some of the experiences, it is little wonder that families in the church and beyond are in crisis.. Some to whom people are looking for help lack the time or training for some of what is needed……old fashioned discipleship and mentoring. Someone I know had a spouse in counseling and when asked after several months with the Christian counselor how it was going the person said, “Fine. Basically we are simply paying for someone to disciple my spouse.” 🙁 If pastors are not trained for counseling or they don’t have the time or willingness to give the process what is needed, they probably should consider whether or not it is appropriate, beyond a first visit to assess the person’s issue and refer. If churches are not going to take up the mandate to disciple and the invitation to be a part of people’s lives in community and through mentoring, then we will continue to find ourselves with weaker and weaker churches…..theologically, relationally, financially, etc. Below is but one recent message that came my way:
“I have had similar experiences with pastors when seeking spiritual guidance and direction. The past few years have been the hardest years for me spiritually and emotionally ……..in a full-on attack from Satan. …. after seeing 2 counselors and counseling from a pastor (one counselor wanted to steer me onto the path of divorce, the other seemed to be drawing out sessions with no direction, and the pastor, while well-intended was wanting to give advice and direction without wanting to know any details about the problems). I actively sought spiritual guidance, and it seemed that no one wanted to really deal with my questions. Just a “you will work things out. It’s going to be okay”. None of them wanted to get down into the trenches. While things are now better, they are not solved. Had I not been strongly anchored in my relationship with Christ, I probably would have fallen away from the church completely. There was a span, and I must say, it’s only been recently that God’s done a work in me about it, that I was so very disappointed in the church, and angry at the shepherds for their lack of support and spiritual guidance. But, God also revealed to me that his church is not contained by the walls or the pastors. His church is so much bigger than that…uncontainable. While my immediate and nearby resources were disappointing, God had been supporting me with my brothers and sisters in Christ, who are in different denominations, states, countries. There were friends praying for us, walking along side us. I much prefer THIS church over the establishment and order that many think is Christ’s bride.”
“Into the trenches” this person wrote….this is a battle….you can’t win it with BB guns. We need pastors and counselors to be skilled in and committed to hearing and responding to the spiritual needs AND the psychological needs….to offer hope and confidence, not quick solutions. And, as Dr. Ken Taylor has noted in recent sexual ethics training for church staffs, the nature of male/female relational dynamics suggest that unless one is well trained and healthily-boundaried oneself, counseling the opposite sex individually probably should be avoided.. and therein lies part of the problem…some pastors are cautious/guarded about counseling opposite sex individuals due to concern over attraction or attachment issues. The need for such guardedness does not promote therapeutic relationships where trust is vital.
In another situation I had the opportunity to do some spiritual guidance with a lady who’d been with a counselor for two years….her life was out of control and I asked her what had she accomplished in those two years of WEEKLY counseling. Insights? Goals? Etc. She couldn’t point to anything except that she had been able to just make it from one appointment to the next….That does not meet a test of outcomes-based evidence for effectiveness, it seems to me……counseling should not just be sitting and listening to a weekly litany of what is not getting better.
Sorry for the rip here, but I’m seeing women and families taking mortal blows and, to a hardy degree churches seem clueless or hapless.. There is one church in town that has initiated a nearly full time counselor who is a mature, experienced Christian and a graduate student in Christian counseling….she works under the authority of her church’s pastor and there is a sliding fee scale for individuals and couples based on income. Good start……Would that the majority of churches would pursue something similar!
Another church has mentor couples assigned to married couples that are struggling…..
Women willing to disciple other women in a side by side journey for months or even years are needed. And there are men that need discipleship and mentoring, too. People are busy….self-absorbed. In the meantime….the world around us is tumbling into worse and worse shape. And it’s being reflected in the instability of family relationships in the church, as well. 3/42:2017