I had written on 3/21/22 in this blog about a season in the spring of 2016 when God spoke to me about deadwood and “sap fire”. specifically what happened as I sat waiting for the 2016 conference clergy conference to begin where the vote on my deacon provisional status would be decided, I was hearing the continuing message about “dead wood” and wondering if I was the dead wood being pruned. In that moment suddenly I felt the band of my sapphire ring break and I saw the word as ” sap ph ire” written across the frontal lobe of my brain the way God has shown me words or single frame images before before…..(“cleave land”, “passive-aggressive”, “wet clay”, “clip board”, “Murphy”, and others through the years in relation to one situation or another) ….. and had immediately told me how to interpret it.
When I saw sap ph ire…. my first thought was “sap test anger.” I had recently heard JD Walt talk about a botany student who corrected a lecturer by telling him his example of sap being pulled from the trunk by the branches and leaves was incorrect. Actually the sap is pushed upward and outward from the roots.
The message God was speaking in that moment to my heart was that the “sap” is either being tested or perhaps in this, the presence or absence of sap is the test itself. The “ph” is a kind scientific test, a litmus test that measures base or acid nature of solutions across a range of 0 to 14, with 7 being neutral. I have often used ph paper in certain science contexts. The nature and source of the emotional “ire” seems to be revealed by the test. Anger was something I had felt …. yes some at the way the Board of Ministry was denying me the goal of deacon ordination, but even more so for the way I could see them shutting out all traditional, Scriptural candidates. It had been becoming more and more clear since my first interview in 2014 when two of us were delayed or cut for our traditional views of scripture and cultural issues. Others, too acknowledged feeling it. It only accelerated and became more obvious in the next 3 years in my dealings with the board and in the UMC broadly since then. I knew the source of my anger. I believed there was at least an element of righteousness in it on behalf of the church. I was reminded in that moment of Jesus’ ire in whipping and overturning tables in the Temple courtyard because of how the religious leaders were using the sacrificial system for profit at the expense of the worshippers. I was not sure if God was convicting me or testing me….. maybe the two are the same. Our response reveals the truth… whether one’s heart and motive are pure or if God is requiring confession and repentance. I affirmed in prayer that I understood His message and was humble before Him to further testing and refining of the quality and source of my “sap”, my “ire.”
I continued my pursuit another year as a provisional in pursuit of deacon ordination in the UMC, knowing it was s pyrrhic victory. I had only further hardened the hearts of the handful of people who had opposed me, including Bishop Paul Leland. A new Bishop, David Graves, was appointed, and I knew in my spirit the battle lines of the UMC were about to become boldly clear to all. I was the first candidate to ever challenge the Board’s discontinuation vote and succeed! Immediately a shuffle of people on the Board occurred and included a change in appointment of the Bishop’s assistant who had been in place for decades, occurred and the resistance against me redoubled.
Today as I was getting ready to head out for errands, I realized I wasn’t wearing my sapphire ring. My first instinct was to panic and start searching. I couldn’t recall taking it off in the last few days. Even though I’ve lost 10 pounds, that wouldn’t be enough for it to fall off. I strongly suspect God has removed the “sap-ph-ire” from my life because the testing of quality and source of the “sap”, the “ire” of this past season is over. Interestingly This sapphire ring had been purchased by me as a replacement for one my mother had given me many years before that a cousin, Susan Boyd Baldwin, had brought home from her family’s few years of working in Saudi Arabia, her husband being a helicopter mechanic assigned there by his company.
As another quirk of circumstances, that ring, an 18k gold domed setting of about 18 stones had been lost during a weekend that I worked an Emmaus walk at the UMC’s Blue Lake Campground. It was the same place where my UMC discipleship began, where the resistance of the Board was first revealed to me, and where the my pain near the end of my deacon journey occurred most acutely.
The original ring simply disappeared from a shelf where I had placed it after I had worked in the refreshment room prepping food and never turned up. My 14k sapphire replacement ring was not nearly as elegant or valuable. It was a simple band with two parallel rows of small sapphire stones. But I liked it.
So, what am to make of this? And what shall I do? I suspect I won’t replace it again. Twice having mysteriously had sapphire rings removed is enough. I know God well enough to know nothing is without purpose. The long season of embattled presence in the UMC is over for me (as it is for Bill, also.). The UMC’s progressive direction had often been a source of conversation and consternation for us. Bill had been ready at various times for at least eight years to leave the UMC before his death.
Perhaps God used the loss of the first ring to prepare me for the messages He would deliver during my heightened sensitivity to the experiences of the second ring’s sudden break in a timely moment and its disappearance now.
At the end of the day, I have an even better test of my sap…. my ire….and, conversely, my peace….. that has resulted from the disaffiliation of my home church from the political and financial hypocrisy and the disregard for discipline and scripture of The UMC.
My blood pressure, which has waffled in the high 140s-low 150s over the high 80s-mid 90s for 8 years or more has now settled to a regular rate of 120/80 or less. God is good. He has created our bodies to give us various warnings when things unsettling our spirits and souls are not in line with His plan. He will bring us to the place of peace as we trust, listen, and obey.
Late night addendum: Over and over again God repeats a principle… The Isaac Principle. Again and again God will test our priorities and csll for things to be removed from our lives. If we can let it go and not feel that we can’t go on living without it, then more often than not, my observation has been that we get to keep it. God is a jealous God and will allow nothing that one holds in greater esteem than Him to be retained by one whom He will use and bless greatly. The ring was on the floor of my bedroom in clear view when I walked in to go to bed tonight. One can’t see God if blinded by fear of loss of something that is valued more than God. With everything removed from you, check your heart and make sure it has its priority right. (2/9/23 CBB)