Things I have learned and am required to address regularly: With women in recovery, I find that they have a very “loose” definition of “lie”. Lying by omission appears to never be considered a lie to them. Being presumptuous in willfully undertaking a behavior that may not explicitly be a violation of the letter of a rule, but certainly is a violation of the spirit of the rule, or which they have not been specifically and explicitly and personally told they couldn’t do, is never a lie. In other words, they will test the limits of every rule’s application. Pleading ignorant with “I didn’t know,” is always an easy default response to attempt to avoid consequences in such cases. Lying or silence to protect someone else’s rules violations is never a lie. “You cover my back, I’ll cover yours” is a badge of honor and requirement for friendship, even if means lying for you, and you are required to do the same for me. If another person has received permission for something in particular, by default it is immediately alright for them, too, and “You SAID WE could” is the response. It makes it difficult when women are at very different points in their recovery and working on very different therapeutic goals to begin allowing something with one and not have it become chaos because everyone else wants to claim the privilege, too, even though it is not yet something for which they are ready. All of these behaviors are indicative of a willingness to manipulate the truth to get what one desires and avoid consequences in the process. The belief that it is preferable to ask forgiveness in any situation, in the event that you are unfortunate enough to get caught, instead of permission is pervasive. Or, simply deny, deny, deny even in the face of multiple witnesses and clear evidence, if not caught red-handed by the authority figure. Personal accountability and holding one another accountable for truth and honest conduct is very difficult. Such behavior often started in childhood and becomes such a ingrained pattern, it is nearly impossible to break until they truly and sincerely come under the convicting work of the Holy Spirit. This, in my opinion, is one of the hallmark characteristics of real transformation and assurance that one is actually saved.
John 3:21
“But he who practices the truth comes to the Light, so that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God.”
Obviously, this is an issue about which I am becoming more and more determined. The FIRST rule in recovery is that one has to be honest – with God, with herself, and with others. I am going to introduce this in a very lengthy and explicit way in the interview with candidates going forward. No point even starting the process if we don’t have this understanding in place. ( 7/26/2016. CBB)