9/12/24
6/24/16…… I journaled:
“The Lord is gracious and kind, ever encouraging and comforting. I am so blessed to know and be known by Christ, to have godly friends and a husband who fears and worships the Lord, loves me, and is a co-worker in ministry. I am in the best place in life I have ever been. Reasonable goals are in place for the near future to be accomplished toward which to work and I have the satisfaction of seeing God work in the lives of women he has entrusted to our care. We have instructors and board members who provide wonderful advice and support. So many things are going well and giving me many reasons to rejoice and praise God! I think I need to go play through the hymnal or my classical piano book to release some of this bubbling contentment and joy…….wish I could can it for a day when the storms are raging! LOL!”
Tonight: I could sure use a can of that emotional contentment and joy right now….. instead I settled for a tub full of bubbles and a favorite fragrance, piano instrumentals on my Apple Music playlist, and indulging my tears until they were spent. What could cause such a storm of grief and longing? Yet another frustration with attempting an internet task that required an online chat with tech support. Repeated attempts at a remedy failed. I felt Bill’s absence so acutely. I felt so lost and inadequate in the moment, I couldn’t finish with the tech because I couldn’t see for the tears. I told him to delete the account altogether and I’d try again from square one tomorrow. These moments throw me back into the height of my grief, missing Bill’s calm persistence and working through such problems online. It was like a second language to him and he enjoyed the challenges it offered. For me, it’s worse than Greek; it’s alien and indecipherable when I hit a snag. I have come to despise anything that requires another user name, password, verification code, or pin.
I remember the promise and excitement of the computer age’s dawn…. It was going to revolutionize work, open up new vista’s for learning, free up more time for leisure, make lives easier. Instead we have jobs that are being obsolesced out of existence, fewer people doing more work from a computer all day and night, every keystroke monitored and logged as evidence to justify our work and use of time, or to catch us in an error. I am less and less inclined to see life as better or freer or more productive or more meaningfully connected because of it. But for those much younger than me, it’s like breathing.
Moments like this challenge my perception of myself as capable of offering anything of value any longer to others in a way that they can receive it.
Was the joy and sense of obedience in Christ I experienced this day as I engaged with people in ministry all an illusion? Is THIS the true state of where I am now…..here, unable to work through an online app tech problem? Is this the true state of my being….my reality? Out of date, facing a rapidly approaching expiration date? Meant to settle for a rocking chair and mindless and meaningless images and sounds from a TV?
This is grief.
It is good that God’s mercies are new every morning.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.
With the dawn, may joy arise again.