Feelings Wheel link (at bottom of document) and emotional literacy materials from Titus 2 women’s ministry residential program
Emotional Literacy- Knowing and Managing Our Emotions (Sept. 2017)
Jesus sets an example for us of healthy emotional life. Scripture portrays Jesus as one who had intense, raw, emotional experiences. He was able to express his emotions with unashamed, unembarrassed freedom. He did not repress or project his feelings onto others. Instead, we read of Jesus responsibly experiencing the full range of human emotion throughout his earthly ministry. In today’s language he would be considered “emotionally intelligent”.
- He shed tears (Luke 19:41; John 11:33)
- He was filled with joy (Luke 10:21)
- He grieved (Mark 14:34)
- He was angry (Mark 3:5; Mark 10:14; John 2:13-17)
- Sadness came over him (Matt. 26:37)
- He felt compassion (Luke 7:13; Matthew 20:34; Mark 1:14)
- He felt sorrow (John 11:35)
- He showed astonishment and wonder (Mark 6:6; Matthew 8:10; Luke 7:9)
- He felt distress (Mark 3:5; Luke 12:50)
- He felt emotional longing to be with others (Luke 22:15)
In the garden of Gethsemane, we see a fully human Jesus – emotionally depressed, mentally confused, and spiritually overwhelmed. He is being pushed to the edge of his human limits. We see him falling to the ground and “being in anguish, he prayer more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground” (Luke 22:44). Have we ever considered what it was like for Jesus to be under such emotional stress?
“Jesus was anything but an emotionally frozen Messiah. At the same time we can see how Jesus was able to separate himself from the expectations of the crowds, his family, and his disciples. His relationship with his Father freed him from the pressures of those around him. He was not afraid to live out his own unique life and mission, regardless of other people’s agenda for his life.” (Peter Scazarro, The Emotionally Healthy Church, p 33)
We must come to recognize the inseparability of emotional health and spiritual maturity. When one does the hard work of becoming an emotionally and spiritually mature disciple of Jesus Christ, the impact will be felt all around that person.
Why is it so important to listen to, and deal with, our emotions:
“Ignoring our emotions is turning our back on reality; listening to our emotions ushers us into reality. And reality is where we meet God….Emotions are the language of the soul. They are the cry that gives the heart a voice….However, we often turn a deaf ear – through emotional denial, distortion, or disengagement. We strain out anything disturbing in order to gain tenuous control of our inner world. We are frightened and ashamed of what leaks into our consciousness. In neglecting our intense emotions, we are false to ourselves and lose a wonderful opportunity to know God. We forget that change comes through brutal honesty and vulnerability before God.” (Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III in The Cry of the Soul).
For some, a simple but helpful exercise to begin the process of paying attention to our emotions is to listen to our physical body’s reactions in situations – a knot in the stomach, a tension headache, teeth grinding, hands or arms clenched, palms becoming sweaty, neck tightening, foot tapping, or insomnia. Ask yourself, “What might my body be telling me about my feelings right now?” Becoming aware of our physical bodies is a big step in the right direction. Take time to pause in silence before the Lord to listen to him each day.
Some may feel that it is greedy and selfish to pay attention to what we are feeling and doing. In Christian circles, few discuss awareness of feelings as one key to discipleship. There are many important issues related to maturing in Christ, but an honest examination of our emotions and feelings is central. This inward look is not to encourage a self-absorbed introspection that feeds narcissism. The ultimate purpose is to allow the gospel to transform us – both above and below the iceberg of our deep souls. The end result will be that we can love God and others better.
When we read the story of Job’s ranting before God, Jeremiah’s anguish about God’s word burning “in his heart like a fire” (Jer. 20:9), Moses’ struggles in the wilderness, or David’s anguish of feeling abandoned by God, we observe leaders of God in the brutal, painful honesty of wrestling with emotions, feelings and the realities going on around them. That’s why their life stories speak to us so powerfully.
Importance of Emotions
The capacity for emotional responsiveness is a gift from God and reflects a part of his image in us. Here are a few of the reasons our emotions are important in our lives.
Survival
God has given us our emotions for a reason. Our emotions have the potential to serve us today as a delicate and sophisticated internal guidance system. Our emotions alert us when natural human need is not being met. For example, when we feel lonely, our need for connection with other people is unmet. When we feel afraid, our need for safety is unmet. When we feel rejected, it is our need for acceptance which is unmet.
Decision Making
Our emotions are a valuable source of information. Our emotions help us make decisions. Studies show that when a person’s emotional connections are severed in the brain, he can not make even simple decisions. Why? Because he doesn’t know how he will feel about his choices.
Boundary Setting
When we feel uncomfortable with a person’s behavior, our emotions alert us. If we learn to interpret our emotions correctly and feel confident expressing ourselves we can let the person know we feel uncomfortable as soon as we are aware of our feeling. This will help us set our boundaries which are necessary to protect our physical and mental health.
Communication
Our emotions help us communicate with others. Our facial expressions, for example, can convey a wide range of emotions. If we look sad or hurt, we are signaling to others that we need their help. If we are verbally skilled we will be able to express more of our emotional needs and thereby have a better chance of filling them. If we are effective at listening to the emotional troubles of others, we are better able to help them feel understood, important and cared about.
Happiness
The only real way to know that we are happy is when we feel happy. When we feel happy, we feel content and fulfilled. This feeling comes from having our needs met, particularly our emotional needs. We can be warm, dry, and full of food, but still unhappy. Our emotions and our feelings let us know when we are unhappy and when something is missing or needed. The better we can identify our emotions, the easier it will be to determine what is needed to be happy.
Unity
Our emotions perhaps offer a means of uniting us as members of the human species. Emotions are universal. The emotions of empathy, compassion, cooperation, and forgiveness, for example, all have the potential to unite us, to draw us toward one another.
Too often our expression of our emotions is limited to the big 4- mad, glad, sad, bad! We need to become more emotionally literate.
Definition of Emotional Literacy :
The ability to express feelings with specific feeling words, in 3 word sentences.
For example, “I feel rejected.”
Developing your emotional literacy
The purpose for developing our emotional literacy is to precisely identify and communicate our feelings. When we do this we are helping fulfill God’s design for our feelings. We must know how we feel in order to be able to seek appropriate fulfillment of our emotional needs. And we must communicate our feelings in order to get the emotional support and understanding we need from others, as well as to show our emotional support and understanding to them.
One of the first steps to developing our emotional intelligence is to improve our emotional literacy. In other words, to improve our ability to identify our feelings by their specific names – and the more specific we can be, the better. Emotional intelligence theory says that the first branch of emotional intelligence is …the capacity to perceive and to express feelings.
In the English language we have thousands of words which describe and identify our emotions, we just don’t use many of them. There a lot of reasons we don’t make much use of this rich vocabulary which is available to us. One is that we just aren’t taught to speak using feeling words. However, many people can identify their feelings quite well when given a little help.
If you are interested in working on your emotional literacy, the first step is to start using simple, three word sentences such as these:
I feel sad. I feel motivated. I feel offended. I feel appreciated. I feel hurt. I feel disrespected.
This may feel strange at first, since not many people do this. But it gets easier with time, and as you find other people who you can share your true feelings with. Sometimes just by naming a feeling, we begin to actually feel the feeling and respond to it more constructively. It seems that by naming the feeling we help our mind access the emotional part of the brain where feelings are stored. This step of identifying the feeling by name is essential to a high development of one’s innate emotional processing abilities..
What is and isn’t emotional literacy
| Examples of Emotional Literacy | Examples of What is NOT Emotional Literacy |
| I feel….
criticized unimportant disrespected bored |
I feel like ….
I feel that… I feel like you …. (This is a “you message” in disguise. See below) |
I messages vs You Messages
When we talk about our feelings using three words sentences we are sending what have been called “I messages”. On the other hand when we say things like “You make me so jealous” we are sending a “you message”. These “you messages” typically put the other person on the defensive, which is hurts communication and relationships rather than helping.
Note that when we say something similar to “I feel like you…” we are sending a “you message” in disguise as an “I message”!
A few basic feeling words
| Positive
Comfortable |
Negative
Uncomfortable |
Some additional “Feeling Words”
accepted rejected abandoned
left out criticized lectured to
preached to judged discriminated against
mocked appreciated unappreciated
supported unsupported uncomfortable
optimistic pessimistic hopeless
discouraged encouraged afraid
respected disrespected motivated
unmotivated free controlled
obligated burdened needy
in control out of control validated
invalidated competent incompetent
jealous sad lonely
ignored important unimportant
proud confident worthy
deserving unworthy undeserving
excited fulfilled rewarded
Exercise: Explore the “’Emotions Wheel” These are not comprehensive tools and lists, but they are designed to help you enlarge your vocabulary for expressing your emotions accurately.
Expressing the intensity of the feeling
Some feeling words not only express a feeling, but also express the intensity of the feeling. By expressing intensity, they communicate the degree to which our needs are being met and our values and beliefs are being upheld. Accurately capturing the intensity of an emotion is critical to judging the message our feelings are sending. If we either exaggerate or minimize the feeling, we are distorting reality and undermining the effectiveness of our communication.
Here are a few ways to verbally express the intensity of a feeling
- Weighting the feeling with a modifier
I feel a little hurt. I feel extremely hurt.
- Choosing a specific word on the continuum of that emotion
I feel: annoyed… angry … incensed…ballistic.
- Making use of a 0 to 10 scale
I feel hurt 2 out of 10.
Of the three methods, the 0 to 10 scale is the one that most people can easily identify with.
Miscommunicating our feelings
Often, it is socially unacceptable to directly express certain emotions. We are too afraid of offending others, too afraid of appearing unhappy or unhealthy, and too afraid of social disapproval. Sadly, we live in a world where appearances matter more than reality. This seems to be especially true in the upper classes of society where conformity and etiquette are so important.
So instead of truthfully expressing our feelings clearly and directly, we express the same emotions indirectly, either through our actions or our body language. Sometimes we actually outright lie about our feelings. When we start to hide our feelings, lie about them, or tell people only what we think they want to hear, we impede communication, distort reality, fight evolutionary intelligence and dishonor nature.
Let’s look at some examples of how we corrupt the language of feelings.
Masking Our Real Feelings – There are many ways we mask our real feelings. Sometimes we just plain lie about them, for example when someone says she is fine, though she is obviously is irritated, worried, or stressed. Sometimes we intentionally or unintentionally substitute one feeling for another. For example, if I say “I hope it doesn’t rain,” we might actually be feeling afraid that it will!
Inconsistency – Often, our tone of voice or our body language contradicts the words we are saying. None of us can totally hide our true feelings, but many of us do try to disguise our voices to go along with the act. People who are especially superficial even adopt the cosmetic voices found on television in order to further conform to societal expectations, and further mask their true feelings.
Overuse – One of the ways we corrupt language is to over-use a word. Consider the word “love.” We love corn on the cob, root beer, apple pie, and our mothers. Doesn’t it seem there should be a different word for the way we feel about our parents as opposed to food?
Hate is another word which is tremendously overused. If someone hates traffic, hates spinach, and hates lawyers, how can they express their feelings about child abuse?
Exaggeration – When we exaggerate our feelings we are lying in order to get attention. People who need to exaggerate have had their feelings neglected for so long, they have resorted to dramatization to be noticed and cared about. Unfortunately, when they send out false signals, they alienate people and risk becoming like the boy who cried wolf. As the story goes, because he sent out too many false alarms, he was ignored when he truly needed help.
Consider these exclamations, none of which are typically true in a literal sense:
I feel mortified. I feel devastated. I feel crushed. I feel decimated. I felt run over by a truck.
Minimization – Many people minimize their feelings, particularly when they are upset, worried or depressed. They use expressions such as:
I’m fine. I’ll be alright. I’m okay, don’t worry about me. There is nothing wrong. I said I was fine.
Such people typically are either too proud, too stubborn, too scared or feel too unworthy to share their feelings. They desperately need to be connected with others, but they will not allow others to get close to them. They effectively push people away by withholding their true feelings.
Indirect Communication
Because we are not skilled at directly expressing our feelings, we often use indirect communication of our emotions such as by using examples, figures of speech, and non-verbal communication. Letþs look at a few of these forms of indirect communication.
I Feel Like ….
Using sentences that begin with “I feel like…” may be the most common form of communicating our feelings. The literal result is that we often feel like labels, thoughts, and behaviors, as we can see below:
I feel like (a label) – In the examples below we are labeling ourselves, and not clearly and directly expressing our feelings.
I feel like: … an idiot … a baby … a failure
We typically use lots of expressions which put ourselves down. These negative labels certainly don’t help us feel any better about ourselves. In fact, by mentally branding us, they make it more likely we will repeat the exact kinds of actions which caused our feelings.
I feel like (a thought) – In these examples we are actually conveying more of a thought than a feeling.
I feel like you are crazy. I feel like it was wrong. I feel like he is going to win.
I recall a conversation where I asked someone how she felt about something and she said, “I feel like you shouldn’t have done that.” At another point when I asked about her feelings, she said “I don’t want to get into all of that.” Such a lack of emotional literacy and emotional honesty makes it difficult to have a relationship, even a friendship or a working relationship.
I feel like (a behavior) – Here, we are expressing our feelings in the form of a behavior. Again, these are unclear and indirect. They may be graphic and entertaining, but they are usually exaggerations and distortions which don’t help us focus on our true feelings.
I feel like: … strangling him … shooting him … wringing his neck … telling her off … teaching him a lesson … filing for divorce … dumping him … quitting … giving up … jumping off of a cliff
In other words, people who use such expressions feel like a behavior, an action, an act. Thus, they are not in touch with their feelings. They may be acting out their lives as they think others would rather than acting as unique individuals. Or they simply imagine themselves taking action rather than actually using their emotions to motivate them to take appropriate action.
Non-verbal Communication
Studies show that up to 90 percent of our communication is non-verbal. When we communicate non-verbally our bodies are literally expressing themselves. When Shakespeare said the eyes are the windows to the soul he was implying the eyes are the best non-verbal indicator of our emotional and intellectual state of mind.
For example, we think of those who will not look us in the eyes as untrustworthy, dishonest, afraid or insecure. We think of those who have alert, expressive eyes as intelligent, energetic, and emotional. Our eyes have the power to judge, to attract, and to frighten. Through our eyes we can show: interest, boredom, disbelief, surprise, terror, disgust, approval, and disapproval. Many parents can bring their children to tears, for example, without saying a word.
Our faces often express what we are not saying verbally. Our lips may tremble when we are afraid. Our forehead wrinkles when we are concerned or confused. And when people tap their fingers or feet they are usually feeling impatient.
Research shows that those with high EQ are better at reading these non-verbal cues. This gives them valuable information, particularly from people who are not expressing themselves verbally, or whose body language is inconsistent with their words.
Summary
After we learn to find the right word for our feeling and its intensity, the next step is explaining why we feel what we feel. At this point, our analytical brain is called into action. We actually make things much easier on ourselves and others when our language is clear, direct, and precise. When our words and our non-verbal communication is consistent, we gain respect because we come across as having integrity. Clear, honest communication is not only helpful in personal relationships, but essential to a society. We are simply all better off when we all follow the old rule: Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Practical Value of Communicating with Feeling Words
Feeling Mocked
On two occasions I realized I was being mocked. In both cases I expressed my feeling directly and it proved very helpful to me.
In one situation I told my brother I felt mocked. It took me till I was approximately 37 years old to realize that he had mocked me all of my life. Once I realized it and named the feeling and confronted him with it, it freed me to stop defending myself. It also helped me realize that this was one of the ways my self-esteem was damaged when I was young. And it helped me decided not to spend more time with that brother.
On another occasion I was attending an open lecture to approximately ten students by a university professor on socialism and communism. (At a university in Florida for especially high IQ undergraduates) I was asking a lot of questions he did not want to answer. Except for me, all the others in the room were sympathetic to his beliefs. At one point one of the students mocked a question of mine as a way of defending the professor. The other students were laughing at my expense. I said firmly, “I feel mocked and I would like to have my question answered.” This quieted the room and the professor answered my question. From that point on, because I had asserted myself in a clear and direct way, I felt more self-respect and more respect from the students who were otherwise starting to join in on their attacks on me. That was several years ago. I still feel the tension in that room, yet I feel proud that I handled it in the way I did. These students had never seen me before, by the way, since I was visiting their campus and just happened to stop in for the lecture.
Feeling Attacked, Undermined
I can think of two times when I was giving a talk and someone in the audience was clearly feeling skeptical. Instead of saying they felt skeptical though, on both occasions the person was asking me questions to try to lower my credibility. In once case I said, I will answer your question, but first I will ask you to tell me how you are feeling. This immediately helped the audience focus on the person asking the question, thereby taking the pressure off of me. It also helped the audience see that the person was feeling a little hostile, which helped the audience feel more empathy for me. And it helped me realize that this particular person was the one with the problem, so to speak. This helped me feel less defensive, more in control, and more secure. I even felt some compassion for him as he tried explain how he was feeling and why.
In the other case, I said to the person, “It sounds like you are feeling a little skeptical, is that fair to say?” He answered that yes, it was fair to say. Just correctly identifying his feeling helped him feel more relaxed, something which I could see by his facial expression and body language. I told him I could understand that he would have reason to feel skeptical and I asked him to just try to have an open mind while. He agreed to this and ended up being a helpful participant for the remainder of the talk.
The value of naming feelings
The examples above show that there is some psychological power in naming what is happening. When one person is attacking another with words and the victim does not really know what is going on, the attacker has even more psychological power. But as soon as the victim correctly identifies what is happening, the attacker loses some psychological advantage and the victim somehow feels more secure. This is evidently because the mind has a need to know what is happening, especially when there is danger. Once the danger is identified, it can be addressed. Also, there is a fear of the unknown which is removed when the feelings are named. Naming the other person’s feeling seems to have a disarming or a de-masking value. Naming a feeling can be used as a form of counter-attack, or it can be used as a form of understanding and agreement. It all depends on how the technique is used. The ability to identify and name feelings is a form of power, and like all power it can be used to hurt or help.
Making Predictions vs. Expressing Feelings
| You are going to fall. vs. I am afraid you are going to fall.
We are going to miss the train. vs I am afraid we are going to miss the train. |
I believe it is important to express feelings instead of making predictions like this. Instead of explaining why I believe this, I would like you to send me your thoughts.
Levels of Emotional Awareness
This model deals mainly with levels of self-awareness. There are also levels of awareness of the feelings of other people.
| Knowing the feeling is present | The first level of emotional awareness is knowing when feelings are present in ourselves. We become “aware” of the feeling when we first think about it or realize we feel something at that moment.
Example: We might be feeling impatient and start to tap our fingers. But at first we are not aware either that we are tapping our fingers or of our feeling. Then we might notice we are tapping our fingers and we might also realize we are feeling impatient. We might also be saying to ourselves, “I can’t believe how long this is taking.” Then we might realize we are feeling judgmental by judging how long it “should” take. Another example: You are in a room. Another person enters. At first you don’t see them, but maybe you realize there is a new noise. You turn and then you see the person and become aware they are in the room. |
| Acknowledging the feeling | To continue the example of the person in the room with you. After you have become aware there is someone in the room, you might acknowledge that person by waving or saying hello.
We may not know exactly what the feeling is, but if we notice and acknowledge that we have some feeling, we have taken the next step. Nature has given us a sophisticated guidance system in our feelings. Our negative feelings, for example, call our attention to things which are not healthy for us. They tell us when we are out of balance. If we feel lonely, for example, we need more connection with other people. The literature on emotional intelligence points out that our feelings direct us to what is important to think about. Through thought, our feelings can point us to the to the causes of our negative feelings and to possible solutions. But if we fail to acknowledge our negative feelings, we won’t be able to focus our attention on the problem that needs to be solved. For nature’s inner guidance system to function we must acknowledge our feelings. Many people try to stop themselves from feeling their negative emotions. They may use drugs and alcohol. They may use entertainment and distraction. They may also try to simply deny the existence of their negative feelings. Even education, memorization, intellectual or religious pursuits can serve to stop us from acknowledging our feelings. All of this defeats nature’s purpose in supplying us with negative feelings. |
| Identifying the feeling | Still continuing the example of the person in the room, a further acknowledgement of the person could be to greet the person by name. In a similar way we can identify and name our feelings once we realize we have them.
The more specific we are in identifying our feelings, the more accurate we can be in identifying the unmet emotional need and taking appropriate corrective action. In particular with anger, it helps to identify the more specific or more primary feelings. Even with our positive feelings it helps to identify them specifically so we can use this information to help us create happier lives. Like anything else, the more we practice identifying emotions, the better we get at quickly selecting the correct name for the feeling. Each time we identify an emotion and assign a label to it, the brain’s cognitive and emotional systems work together to remember the emotion, the circumstances and the label for the emotion. Second, when we label it, we are using a different part of the brain than where we feel the feeling. I suspect that we are actually diffusing and moving the chemicals from their concentration in the emotional section to the cognitive section where the pain is not felt as much. Finally, by beginning to think about our feeling, we are also taking the next step towards solving our problem. When our thoughts are clear, this helps us feel more in control and empowered. |
| Accepting the feeling | Going back to the person in the room, after we have greeted him by name, we can help him feel accepted. Simlarly, once we have felt, acknowledged and identified our feelings, the next step in emotional awareness and in benefitting from the natural value of our emotions is to accept the feeling.
Sometimes we might think that we shouldn’t feel the way we do. Such thoughts are the result of beliefs which have been programmed into us by others. One of the primary benefits of a highly developed emotional intelligence, though, may be that it helps us become more independent from the opinions and beliefs of others. Instead of listening to others’ voices, we are able to put more value on our inner voice, a voice which speaks to us through our individual emotions. There are several benefits to fully accepting our feelings. First, our feelings are a major part of us. Accepting our feelings is therefore a major part of self-acceptance. This does not mean we wish to stay as we are, but I agree with those who say it is easier to make positive changes in our lives if we first accept that we are how we are at the present moment. Second, accepting our feelings takes less energy than trying to deny or suppress them. Third, accepting our feelings sometimes helps prevent them from recurring over and over. Finally, when we have fully accepted our feelings we can shift our energy to productive thoughts or actions. |
| Reflecting on the feeling | Reflecting on our feelings actually could come at two different levels of emotional awareness.
First, at a low level of emotional awareness we might only reflect on our feelings after the fact. We might lay awake at night, for example, and think about an event during the day and our feelings about that event. This might help lead us to identifying our feelings sooner in the future. I believe, though, that when our emotional intelligence is highly developed, the process of feeling our feelings and identifying them takes place quickly enough for us to reflect on the feeling nearly instantaneously or in “real time.” The sooner we can accurately identify the feeling and reflect on it, the sooner we can take actions which are in our best interest. |
| Forecasting feelings | The more aware of our feelings, the better chance we have of predicting how we will feel in the future. This can be thought of as forecasting our feelings.
We can improve this ability by considering how we will feel if we choose one course of action as opposed to another. The value of this ability can not be overstated. Only when we can predict our feelings can we make decisions which will lead to our long term happiness. I know I am going to regret this. versus It’s going to feel so good to… In the first case, our prediction of negative feelings is trying to help us avoid something. In the second case, our prediction of positive feelings helps motivate us. We simply make better decisions when we listen to our inner messages, in other words, our feelings. The ability to forecast feelings extends to other people as well. In other words, when we are more aware of our own feelings and develop a greater ability to forecast our own feelings, it is more likely we will be able to forecast how someone else will feel. This naturally leads to being more considerate of others. Simply put, as we get in touch with our own feelings we realize that what doesn’t feel good to us probably won’t feel good to others. |
Additional Notes
Emotional Awareness and Happiness
Emotional awareness is a key to leading a happier and more fulfilling life. To really “know oneself,” as the Greek philosophers urged us to do, requires that we know how we feel in all of life’s many situations. When we know how we feel we know what we enjoy doing and who we enjoy doing it with. We know who we feel safe with, who we feel accepted by and understood by.
Though we might be able to lead a productive life, even a “successful” life — if one defines success by the level of status, education, or material worth — it is unlikely we will actually ever be happy and experience genuinely joyful intimate emotional and spiritual relationships unless we are aware of and able to express our feelings. In fact, it is quite possible to be successful materially and miserable emotionally and spiritually. It is easy to observe and accept without question other people’s definition of success and happiness. But when we become more aware of our own true and unique feelings we are more likely to find our own individual happiness. This may be the essence of using our emotional intelligence.
Emotional Awareness, Sensitivity and Numbing
If we are emotionally sensitive we will feel things sooner than others will. If we have no emotional sensitivity, or we have numbed ourselves from our feelings we won’t have any emotional awareness at all. Sensitive people living in abusive environments and insensitive cultures learn ways to numb themselves from their feelings because so many of their feelings are painful.
Top Ten Suggestions
| 1. Become emotionally literate. Label your feelings, rather than labeling people or situations. | “I feel impatient.” vs “This is ridiculous.” I feel hurt and bitter”. vs. “You are an insensitive jerk.”
“I feel afraid.” vs. “You are driving like a idiot.” |
| 2. Distinguish between thoughts and feelings. | Thoughts: I feel like…& I feel as if…. & I feel that
Feelings: I feel: (feeling word) |
| 3. Take more responsibility for your feelings. | “I feel jealous.” vs. “You are making me jealous.” |
| 4. Use your feelings to help them make decisions. | “How will I feel if I do this?” “How will I feel if I don’t” |
| 5. Show respect for other people’s feelings. | Ask “How will you feel if I do this?” “How will you feel if I don’t.” |
| 6. Feel energized, not angry. | Use what others call “anger” to help feel energized to take productive action. |
| 7. Validate other people’s feelings. | Show empathy, understanding, and acceptance of other people’s feelings. |
| 8. Practice getting a positive value from emotions. | Ask yourself: “How do I feel?” and “What would help me feel better?”
Ask others “How do you feel?” and “What would help you feel better?” |
| 9. Don’t advise, command, control, criticize, judge or lecture to others. | Instead, try to just listen with empathy and non-judgment. |
| 10. Avoid people who invalidate you. | While this is not always possible, at least try to spend less time with them, or try not to let them have psychological power over you. |
* First, thanks to Stephen Covey for the title idea. Second, these 10 habits are based on a mixture of my defintion of EQ and the more academic definition of emotional intelligence offered by John Mayer and his research colleagues.
Developing Your EQ – Summary and Suggestions
Use three word sentences beginning with “I feel”
Start labeling feelings; stop labeling people & situations
Analyze your own feelings rather than the action or motives of other people
Ask others how they feel — on scale of 0-10
Make time to reflect on your feelings
Identify your fears and desires
Identify your UEN’s (Unmet Emotional Needs)
Take responsibility for your emotions & happiness; Stop believing others cause your feelings; Don’t expect others to “make” you happy
Express your feelings – find out who cares – spend time with them
Develop the courage to follow your own feelings
On Decision Making:
Ask: how will I feel if I do… if I don’t…..
- Ask: how do you feel & what would help you feel better (that is in your control)?
Your “negative” feelings are expressions of your unmet emotional needs (UEN’s)
Each negative feeling has a positive value
Awareness of your feelings is the key to self-knowledge. Self-knowledge is the key to self-improvement.
All actions are motivated by feelings. Emotions put us in motion. We can always choose how we respond to an emotion. We are always in control. Feeling in control is empowering. Taking responsibility for our happiness is empowering.
On Managing Your Negative Feelings
Ask: why does it bother me? What are my beliefs? Are some of my beliefs dysfunctional to me? What are my needs? How can I meet them by myself? (Remember AR3, and reframe the situation as a growth opportunity; change addictive demands to preferences)
Disappointment
There seem to be at least two ways the word “disappointment” is used. For example, one day at a friend’s I opened a CD case expecting to find the CD inside, but the case was empty. I felt a combination of sadness and surprise, which fits with some academic definitions of disappointment. But I did not feel judgmental or disapproving, as a parent might feel when their child comes gets suspended from school. The parent might, for example, say “I can’t believe you got suspended! What is wrong with you??” In this case we might say disappointment is a combination of disapproval and disbelief.
I find it helpful to look at disappointment as something we do to ourselves. I say this because it seems to arise out of our own expectations or demands about how we think the world should be or how we think people should act. In other words, I look at “disappointment” as an innacurate view of reality. Looking at it this way could help us accept that we didn’t really understand things as well as we thought I did and that our expectations were unrealistic.
By looking at it this way it is easier for us to take responsibililty for it and thus to reduce the negative feelings which usually accompany it. It also helps us avoid laying guilt trips on others as I explain below.
Instead of using the word “disappointed,” I sometimes try to substitute the word “disillusioned.” This helps remind me that I had created an illusion in my own mind about. Calling something an illusion suggests that my interpretation of reality was inaccurate. So when things don’t go the way I expected or wanted them to go, it seems to help if I take the perspective that I created a false image of reality in my mind and I need to quickly adjust myself to actual reality. The sooner I do this the faster I get over the negative feeling of what I used to call disappointment.
Many people use the expression of disappointment as a way of laying a guilt trip on someone else.
Consider the parent who tells the child “I am utterly disappointed in you,” or, “you really disappointed me.” Think for a moment how you feel when someone says such things to you. You might feel guilty, blamed, inadequate, unworthy, ashamed.
A woman once said she felt devastated when her father said to her “You have utterly disappointed us.”
Is this how we want our children to feel?
The father who feels disappointed does not stop to consider that it was the father himself who did not know his child as well as he thought. Turning it into an opportunity to lecture the child will hurt the child’s self-esteem by causing him to feel “failful.” The parent who uses disappointment to lay guilt doesn’t consider the long term damages to the child’s self-esteem. The parent is simply using guilt as an expedient way to emotionally manipulate the child as a form of control.1 Disappointment in another person is basically a form of rejection and disapproval. It can be powerful in its toxic affect on the self-esteem.
Another problem with telling someone you feel disappointed in them is that it encourages them to avoid sharing things truthfully with us. It helps others feel judged as well as disapproved of.
Note that it is the person in power who creates the expectations. They are the ones who say “I am disappointed.” I noticed this in Australia when the governmetn people said they were “disappointed” that the aboriginals put up metal structure on the land where they have created the Aboriginal Tent Embasssy. The Australian police soon came and tore it down.
Bitterness
A more intense form of disappointment is sometimes bitterness, which tells us that not only did we expect something, but we started to count on it or depend on it.
A healthier reaction would be to let the feeling provide an opportunity to get to know the other person or the child better. By showing sincere curiosity and a desire for knowledge instead of disappointment, we open the door to understanding and bonding. In other words, we might say to ourselves, “Hmm, I expected x to happen, in fact I really wanted x to happen. I was even counting on it. I am sad, or hurt or frustrated that it didn’t happen. I wonder why it didn’t happen. What can I learn from this?” Such curiosity opens the door to seeking knowledge and helps get our thinking back in line with reality. In other words, situations where we initially feel disappointed can lead to wisdom if we allow ourselves to learn. In the case of the parent and child, the parent might learn about the circumstances surrounding the child’s life, and the way the child makes decisions based on his or her values, beliefs, and needs. The same idea applies to friends or romantic partners.
Here is an example of how a mother might react when she initially starts to feel “disappointed”
“Jessica, I feel sad and confused about what you did. Can you help me understand? “
The mother might also ask: “How were you feeling when you did so and so?” or “How do you feel about it now?”
These questions, if asked without causing the child to feel interrogated or afraid, is much healthier than an expression of “disappointment.”
Depression, viewed from the perspective of “emotions”
Depression may be thought of as secondary emotion. This means that there are other feelings which contribute to and cause it. We can think of depression as an army made up of soldiers. These soldiers are the primary negative feelings one feels attacking.
For example, one might feel alone, lonely, rejected, discouraged, loss, grief, unfulfilled, disconnected, uninspired, unproductive, unaccomplished, uncertain, misunderstood, pessimistic. Together, all of these feelings drain our energy, kill our motivation.
It helps to isolate each feeling, then take action or at least think about a plan to attack each negative feeling individually. In each case, ask “what would help me feel less (lonely, unproductive, discouraged)”
Here are some questions which might help you if you are trying to diagnose your own depression:
- Have I lost something? A belief? A dream, a relationship? A vision? Is there some disillusionment? Some unmet expectation? Unfulfilled desire?
- Am I feeling productive? Am I accomplishing anything?
- Do I feel focused? Do I have any goals I am working towards?
- Am I feeling pessimistic about something? About several things? Am I feeling discouraged about something? Hopeless?
- What beliefs are helping me feel pessimistic, discouraged, hopeless?
- Am I looking for something on the outside to happen before I will feel better?
- Am I feeling dependent on someone?
- Do I feel resentful about something? About someone?
- Am I feeling disconnected from my emotional support system? Do I have an emotional support system?
Then ask yourself:
- What would help me feel more optimistic? More encouraged?
- What beliefs can I change? (Employ the CYB theory: Change Your Beliefs)
- What can I find to appreciate? To be thankful for?
- What would help me feel more connected to others, or less dependent on them?
- What could I do to strengthen my emotional support system?
- What small goal could I achieve right now that I am sure I can do?
Taking my negative feelings one by one helps one feel less overwhelmed. When we feel better in just one area, it helps us feel more energized and more capable of conquering the other negative feelings. ________________________________________
Discouragement, Hopelessness
I am afraid this will sound simplistic, but when you are feeling discouraged and hopeless, you could look at it as just a sign that you need to find some source (or create one within yourself) of encouragement and hope. Maybe a technique would be helpful, like making a list of some things which are encouraging. Or forcing yourself to find just one encouraging thing amid your present feelings of discouragement. Maybe just find some uplifting books or articles or read a story on what someone is doing somewhere to help people. There is a huge selection of inspirational books and tapes. Some of them have helped me both during an immediate down period in my life and also in a longer term sense because I have the memory of some things they said which helped.
Another option is to seek out some optimistic, but validating people. Perhaps just tell a friend who knows you well that you are feeling discouraged and hopeful. Perhaps they will remind you of some encouraging truths.
Reach out to someone and tell them you are feeling hopeless. Or scream it out if you must, or cry it out — your body or your amygdala is sending you a message. Let it know that you have received it. I am not sure how the process works but it seems that once the message is fully accepted, validated and understood, it can be integrated by survival forces of the brain which go to work on solving the problem.
Once you have completely accepted that you feel hopeless, you can begin to take action to feel more hopeful. You can search for inspiring websites, books, tapes etc. You can actively think of people who you admire, who are contributing to the world in the way you believe is needed.
When you are feeling hopeless, it can be looked at as a clear sign that you need help to feel more hopeful, (or more optimistic, more encouraged, etc) in order to get back into a healthier state. I believe our survival instinct itself is a source of hope. If I truly had no hope, why would I even bother to eat? As long as your body is feeling hungry, sleepy, etc. I believe there is hope. As I see it, as long as there is one male and one female alive on earth, there is hope for the human species. Imagine that the current members of the species have somehow managed to kill everyone in your gender except you. Now imagine you have 10 seconds to choose a partner before all the other members of the opposite sex are killed. Now, ten seconds later, it is just the two of you. Would you still feel hopless? Or would you get to work on rebuilding the species?(1)
- Note on the last sentence: I realize that sounds sexual, but honestly it isn’t It is simply an exercise in determining one’s will to see life continue.
Feeling Destructive
The amygdala is capable of initiating a sequence of chemical reactions which create extreme energy. Some people’s brains, for whatever reasons, create these intense chemical reactions extremely quickly. In a life or death situation, this could prove to make the critical difference. But we are not often in life and death situations anymore. Yet we still sometimes feel the same urges, such as the urge to completely destroy our attacker.
The challenge is how to use the energy in a constructive way. When I have felt destructive in the past it has proved helpful to ask: What do I really want to destroy? A person? A relationship? Myself? Asking these questions helps me realize that I don’t want to hurt others or myself. Nor do I want to damage relationships, even though they may be bringing me pain at that moment. But what I do want to destroy are the dysfunctional systems which perpetuate the hurting and killing which have been going on for centuries. I want to prove that there is a better way. I want to show the world that there are more options than repeating the mistakes of the past. I try to focus my energy in this kind of positive direction. This takes practice, especially when one comes from a dysfunctional family, but I believe we can all make improvements in how we handle our destructive urges by refocussing our energy into more productive outlets.
If you have so much energy that you really have to release it in a physical way, try finding something like a cardboard box or an empty cereal box. If you often experience strong destructive feelings, in fact, keep a supply of boxes handy! After you have released your energy physically, chances are your mind will guide you to what is important to think about, as the emotional intelligence model suggests.
Resiliency
Goleman said that resilency was part of emotional intelligence. Mayer and Salovey, however, do not seem to ever include this, so I assume they would call it a “personality trait.” Whatever category you want to put it under, it is clear that resiliency helps us survive and “thrive.” I recently discovered a site called “thrivenet,” in fact, which includes a wealth of information on resiliency. The site is based on the work of Al Siebert who has studied what he calls “survivors.” Interestingly, his list of the characteristics of resilient people is quite similar to what I call high EQ people. The site is www.thrivenet.com
On Relationships:
Happiness is not just something you get out of a relationship, but also something you bring in.
- Express your feelings. (First you must know them)
- See who cares – allocate your time accordingly
- Remember seek volunteers, not hostages
- Mutual respect of feelings
- Avoid toxic people (invalidating, defensive, disrespecting, insecure, negative)
https://uca.edu/bewell/files/2020/11/Feelings-Wheel-Learn-How-to-Label-Your-Feelings.pdf