2 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)
Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test?
I am struggling tonight…. not in the same way as some have acknowledged suffering tonight with temptation to relapse in addiction. I struggle with how to face this day with joy. I have, since the first week of July, been in anticipation of today…. the 50th anniversary of marriage to my husband who died 2 years ago on Aug 6, 2020. I thought I was pacing my grief leading to this day, keeping myself engaged in the present, finding purpose and joy in each day, and would not be overcome when the day arrived. But I find myself unable to sleep, a swirl of memories in my mind…… good and happy memories, which only make the loss greater today. How would we have been celebrating this day? Who else might have shared in it with us? Few other days going forward will have the sense of loss of this particular one, I think.
JD Walt asks in this morning Seedbed Daily Text, “what does examine yourself mean to you?” It means giving myself over to the dizzying turns of the Potter’s wheel… and trusting with all of who I am that in spite of the pressures applied…. the working, the wetting, the molding, the smashing down, the remolding, the shaping again and again… with each turn of the wheel, so that when the Potter is done, I will have yielded myself to his work completely. And when I come from the kiln he will be pleased with his work and I will be a vessel of his glory, used for his honor in whatever task I’m assigned.
Examen is not comfortable, easy, or ever completely finished. But it is less a matter of what I do, think or am and more a matter of what I discover of myself and surrender to God in each moment of it. It is the honing and refining of spirit, soul (including mind, emotions, will, personality, and conscience), and body to the mostly gentle, but sometimes jarring revelations of the Holy Spirit within me that guide me into greater understanding of myself and of God. As His light probes in the deep recesses of my soul, I discover more of myself that requires surrender to Him until one day I can abide completely in Christ, as He does in me.
One comforting thing I’ve learned is that God sets the pace even in the examination of self. He knows how much we can bear at one time and how to secure our position in Him before putting us through the next set of turns on the wheel. He knows that if we push against His hand and try to rush the process or presume that we know what the finished vessel should look like, we will find it to be too much, too soon. It is a process that requires time and courage to face our fears and the truth of the lack of Goodness in our deceived and self-deceiving hearts. God knows I would have died from the weight and darkness of it all if hit with the Light all at once.