Disappointment in some situations……
that’s what’s on my mind.
In my Friday afternoon Wesleyan band meeting, a band member spoke into my situation ….. that I was “rejecting my gift” ……. I knew exactly what she was saying. But when emotions run ahead of my capacity to process unexpected information that is quite contrary to my understanding, based on previously known facts as they had been presented to me, it takes my reeling mind a little time to figure out how I could have been so blind and how I’m going to respond.
I fear that if I had Christ’s ability to see and know the hearts of people, I’d become dreadfully cynical and depressed about the depraved, deceived, lie-infested state of humanity.
So, maybe the blindness that makes me susceptible to emotional ambushes is actually God’s mercy in me NOT having to see the truth of human depravity and deception the way Christ does? I can’t look on it for long without getting dragged down by it….. so I have to retreat back into my sanctuary of hidden holy space with God.
My mercy-vein is quickly depleted and I have to stumble back to God for more. Ahhhh, perhaps that’s why there is a blessing for the merciful….. that they themselves will receive mercy? Without a constant mercy infusion from God, which is new every morning, (Lamentations 3:23-24) mine would be completely empty and I’d feel only contempt and revulsion.
Lately, I’ve been drawn back again and again to God’s revelation to the Psalmist that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Psalm 139:14). I have thought about the seeming contrast between being “fear-fully” AND “wonder-fully” made, both concurrently, simultaneously, and completely. It occurs to me that since each day offers fresh provisions of mercy, it may well be because of the daily pummeling in life that comes from having the capacity to live into one or the other state of being, or both at once, with every challenge and choice each day. Will one live into the day focused on the fear-invoking, hope snatching capacity of cynicism, negativity and suspicion? Or can one pursue life focused on the delight, mystery and excitement of all that is wonderful? The latter cannot be denied but is often overcome by the heavier burden of the fearful part.